یو بینک ہوم لون - گورنمنٹ مارک اپ سبسڈی اسکیم

I don't want somebody to look "past" me in order to see me.​​

In this week's installment of Love, Actually, our series exploring the reality of women's sex lives, we hear from Robin, 43, a single woman who's a sex educator and disability advocate, about how her sex and dating life changed after becoming disabled.

When it was a beta site in 1995, and I was 22, I met someone on Match.com. He lived in England, I was in the U.S. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship; I was just looking to talk to guys. I was this geek girl who liked to hang out in the computer lab and talk online because it was different and new. But right away I knew I was in love and wanted to be with him. He moved to the States after we got married.

But I still had growing up to do. I had experienced some trauma and abuse in my past and that affected me sexually. Plus, I was almost 300 pounds at that time, and I bought into a lot of what society tells you when you're a person of color and you're big.

I learned about a group for plus-size women and their admirers. I started going to their events, but not with my husband. When I married him, I was so young—24—that I didn't have a sense of who I was sexually. Through the plus-size group, I started exploring things like kink. I tried to include my husband sometimes but he was uncomfortable.

Then in 2004, I found out I had a very rare birth defect in my spinal cord and that it would need to be removed. The week before the surgery, I discovered that I was pregnant with my daughter. Becoming a mother and becoming a person with a disability at the same time was pretty much a mindfuck. The first few years, I was consumed with motherhood. I was overwhelmed with learning to adapt to my new body, which doesn't have sensation in some areas; paralysis affects my right hip, leg, and foot. It wasn't until my child got a little older that I started feeling like I wanted to explore again what it meant to be a sexual person.

My husband and I wound up getting divorced. We are family, but ultimately we realized it was healthier for us to not be married to each other. Since then, I've used Craigslist and OkCupid and other dating sites. I've learned to be upfront about who I am. I don't want somebody to look "past" me in order to see me. I have pictures on my profiles of me with my walker or with my cane. I make those pictures front and center. I've even named what kind of disability I have in some ads. Has it stopped me from getting responses? Hell no.

My advice for guys dating me is, don't be scared. It's worse if you're scared to talk about my body because then it makes me feel like I have something to apologize for or that I need to make you feel better about it. Come from a place of respectful inquiry. Don't ask for my medical records, but ask if you have a question. I'll tell a guy, if you want to put my legs up in the air, you'll have to hold on to them.

When I didn't disclose my disability, I ran into problems. I once encountered a guy who came over, said he had to go in his car and get something, and just drove away. That hurt, yes, but it wasn't such a jolt to me, because I was used to being discriminated against as a person of color and a plus-size person; disability was just one more thing.

But there are some experiences that are frustrating. I went to a matchmaker recently because I wanted to know all my options. I filled out the information and basically she said, Since you're an African American woman and you have a disability, nobody really wants to date you, so I can't help you. Even if you were a millionaire, I think I'd have a hard time finding you a match. It made me feel like I wasn't worth as much, and this was from somebody who's a professional. Does that mean I'm unworthy of love? I know that's bullshit.

Ten years ago, I didn't feel attractive or lovable. Now, thanks to a lot of therapy and the right medication, I am the happiest I've been in my life. I'm dating, and I would like to be in a long-term committed relationship with someone. I recently moved from Atlanta to the Bay Area and dating is going a lot better here. Men are a little more pro-active about saying hello or asking someone out. That works a lot better for me. I could see myself getting married again. I'd like to have somebody to build a life with.